Happy Birthday Gran Gran!

Today is my Gran Gran's birthday! 

And so I am taking a moment to write a little post honoring a woman who may be little (she is a shorty! LOL) but who is large in my life. She has always played an instrumental part in my life. God has used her greatly to teach me and help me grow in every area of my life. She may have lived 6 hours away from us but distance never kept her from having a relationship with her daughter and grandchildren who were in another state. 

My Gran Gran!

This woman has become more than just a grandmother to me. She is an inspiration and continues to encourage me even now. She has taught me how to trust and have faith in God even amidst uncertainty and what felt like chaos in those moments. She prayed for the man I would marry and never lost hope that I would get married. Because there were days when I definitely wondered if I would be single forever and never be a mother. But she knew that God gave me a heart that was meant to love a husband and children and so she just kept on praying and encouraging me to be satisfied in the moment where God has placed me and trust that His will would come about. And so it did. And when it did happen she was one of our biggest supporters. 

On my Wedding Day

Gran Gran, I cannot tell you how thankful I am to have been given a grandmother like you. You are kind, loving, faithful, patient, joyful, strong, encouraging and so many more words that I cannot even begin to write them all. Thank you for loving me through it all and for always encouraging me through everything I face. Thank you for teaching me about studying God's Word and praying without ceasing. Thank you for teaching me how to love others even when its hard and you don't want too. Thank you for believing in me through school and my jobs. Thank you for loving me!

I love you!

I hope today is a WONDERFUL day!! I have no doubt you are having some type of celebration dinner up there and wish I could be there! But just know that you are being celebrated down here in Florida!! I love you so very very much!! 

Grandpa Roger, Me, PJ and Gran Gran

Why?

Jasper has been asking his mom about the baby...
and on Monday he actually asked me...

We have been waiting to talk to him about it until he brought it up again...He hasn't asked about the baby really since we told him he was going to get a brother or sister. And he definitely hadn't brought it up since we had found out the baby had died; so we were just waiting...

Its interesting how God gives us the strength....at the time he asked I had come off a weekend of really feeling the loss and grieving so when Jasper asked me about the baby, I had to hold it together. We were in the middle of the hallway at school, he was in line for a bathroom break and saw me. So as he normally does, he waves me over for a hug. But that day he wanted me to show him a picture of the baby growing...I just smiled and told him I loved him but I had to go to class...and hurried on...once I was away I had a little cry session but quickly pulled myself together for my next class. 

So PJ and I knew we needed to talk with him about it...I wasn't sure how we would bring it up or what we would say...But God had a plan and as He gave us the words. We were out at PJ's parents farm for dinner last night and while we were waiting to eat, Jasper came over and was giving me hugs and kisses. That's when he noticed my necklace...and asked what it was for...I grabbed PJ and the three of us went out to the front porch and sat on the swing. PJ read the inscription and showed Jasper the little feet and I explained that our baby went to heaven. And then came the "Why MyJ?". We explained that sometimes babies go back to be with God in heaven...and then came again "Why MyJ?" You know its crazy but on the day we found out, that word was the one I asked..."Why...I don't understand..." We explained to Jasper that sometimes we don't know why but God is in control. He asked if we would get to have another baby...he wants a sister, he explained. We told him that we were praying God would bless us with a baby and that he should pray and talk with God about having a little sister. And just like that he was off to the next thing...PJ and I know he will probably ask again later down the road when he doesn't remember that conversation and we will again gently explain.

You know so often in life there are things that happen that we ask "why" as adults. Some times the answer is given either immediately or later down the road but a lot of times we don't get to know why or really understand. But in those instances we just need to pray and ask God to give us the "peace that passes all understanding" (See Philippians 4:6-7). So often I have heard someone say, I will ask God when I get to heaven...and sometimes I have even said it...I don't know that there will be a Q&A in Heaven where we get to ask God questions - to find out answers as to why this or that happened...because honestly, I believe that as believers we will be so joyful to finally be with Him that we will only want to sing songs and worship Him. Because these things that happen on earth that currently feel devastating or confusing, will no longer hurt or even matter. In heaven we will have new bodies, there will be no weeping or pain. Sorrow will no longer be apart of us - only God's love.

I encourage you instead of focusing on the "whys" of a situation, FOCUS on God's love, grace, mercy and ask Him for His Peace. HE IS FAITHFUL!

Hebrews 10:23 "Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for HE who promised is faithful."

Let's Play Ball!

Jasper is playing T-Ball again and apparently Spring ball is WAY crazier than Fall ball.Which I believe since we have games during the week and in the fall he only played on Saturdays. But I digress, Jasper is playing T-Ball and is so excited! This past Saturday was Opening Day in Dunnellon for T-Ball, Baseball and Softball! The day starts off with a parade through town of all the teams and ends at the ball park for opening ceremonies. Now I have to saw it was a bit disorganized but over all we had a ton of fun especially since this was our first one to be apart of!!

Jasper chose to be #6 since he will be turning it in July
and is the oldest kid on the team!

The Thursday before was his first practice  and when it was over, Jasper wanted to continue practicing. So Amanda (Jasper's mom) and I stood and talked while Jasper and his daddy practiced. This boy has found his love! I mean after practicing with his team, his daddy and him continued to practice for a good 30 mins more. He was crying hysterically because we made him load up. He just didn't want to stop. Friday after school, we practiced some more and even on Saturday he wanted to just keep hitting and catching the ball. He has found his passion in baseball...and this MyJ hopes it continues! He is learning and growing up so quickly. He is learning to work with others as well as share the spotlight. And often for this sweet step-son of mine, sharing the spotlight does not come easy especially since he is the only child and gets spoiled quite a lot. But he is learning and is becoming so much more of a giver and not a taker.

I am so proud of the growth I see in him and the differences between last season and now already are HUGE. I cannot wait to see the growth and love of the game he will have by his last game! So here are some pictures from Opening Day!

In line and ready to go!

        

Jasper and his teammates

On the field and warming up before the game!

All loaded on the float
and ready for the parade to begin!

PJ pitched to Jasper and two of the other players!
Here is PJ making sure Jasper's stance was correct!

The Beginning...

So as I stated in my previous blog, March 1st 2015 was the day PJ first sent me a message on FarmersOnly.com. However, the story begins in February when I was joking around with my brother, sister and brother-in-law that I would join so I could show my brother it was a legit site and that he might possibly find a country girl! 

Now I had previously tried a couple of online dating sites (eHarmony, Christian Mingle, etc) and had decided that there was no way I would meet my husband through one of them. However, God had a different plan. Now through these other dating sites, I had always put a bit of glam on my pictures and wasn't as honest in my description of myself. But now here I was in my 30s and happier with myself than I had ever been. So I put it all out there...I uploaded pictures of me in work clothes and dirty, full body pictures of me working in the yard or picking strawberries with my nieces and nephew. No more pictures of just being at a certain angle where I looked thinner. And I was more honest than I had ever been before about my relationship with God. I mean I just stated the facts. My mentality was "If I am going to do this, then its the WHOLE truth and either they like what they read and see or they don't but either way I am who I am." This brought about quite a few guys...and boy did their ages range from being my brother's age to the dude could have been my grandfather...It was crazy! 
Now came the weeding through some crazy messages, but I also could skim over profiles and send messages as well. And there was one that caught my eye. The profile picture wasn't of the guy but instead of a farmer kneeling at the cross with a tractor in the background and the words "Farming on Faith". It struck a chord and I went and looked at the profile. Now up to this point I had received messages from guys who were in the same state and I only responded to guys in my state. But this profile picture just tugged and I soon discovered this guy was in Florida. I really liked what he said on his profile but I just couldn't get over him being in Florida. That was definitely not a state I was extremely interested in other than visiting...so I just said well God, if he is a guy I should talk to you will have to prompt him to message me. And so time passed....until March 1st when PJ sent me a message...now I had a dilemma.
I was already talking to three very interesting guys in my own state and now this guy in Florida who I had felt drawn to weeks ago...sent me a message...I had to pray...and so poor PJ did not get a response until March 3rd. . .and so our journey began. . .

His Mercies NEVER cease

One of my students asked today if I was going to have a baby...apparently one of the other students had told him I was...still not quite sure how that student would have even heard that I was pregnant. But I just smiled ever so sweetly and said, "Nope, sweet boy I am not". And he just went right back to his lunch. I started writing this a few days ago and have finally finished it. And after being asked that question, I felt like today was the day to release the post. God's faithfulness should never amaze me, HE IS ALWAYS FAITHFUL...but in that moment, my heart didn't ache...I didn't tear up...I just felt God's peace...I know there will be a day where it probably will make me cry when I think about it...but today my heart is full of God's love and I am thankful.

Lamentations 3:22-23

"The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness."

The first time we saw our baby and her heartbeat!

The day we found out our baby's heart was no longer beating and she had stopped growing was one of the most gut wrenching days. I couldn't believe...it wasn't true...our first child was still alive and there was just a mistake with the machine. I met with a different doctor than my normal one because she was out of the office...he was nice and explained that there wasn't anything I could have done...these things just happen. He discussed next steps but encouraged me to wait a week and come back to see my doctor and make sure. 

I had what they call a "missed miscarriage". My body still acted pregnant and had not given me any signs that my baby had stopped living...I remember walking through the doctor's office in a trance, all of these expectant mothers looking at me with sadness in their eyes as they could see the pain etched on my face...I just needed to get in the car and get out of there...I couldn't even walk beside PJ or hold his hand...I just wanted to start running down the hall...I needed to  get out...by the time we got to the elevators...I was ready to hold on to PJ. My poor sweet husband...he was hurting just as much but still trying to be strong for me.

On that 45 minute ride home, I called our parents and siblings to let them know what happened...not the phone calls I wanted to be making...I cried and cried...Night came and my sweet husband wrapped his arms around me and just let me cry...he held me and hummed Matt Maher's "Lord, I Need You" until I fell asleep. Sometime around 3 am, I woke up...and I just began praying...crying out to God...and He came and filled me with such a peace. I knew my baby was with Him and that God was in complete control.

A week later, I met with Dr. Million and saw my baby for the last time...no heartbeat and no growth...a final confirmation that she was gone...I really didn't think that day would be so difficult since the week before we had seen the same thing...but it was...it was a reminder of what I had lost...so then came talking about the next steps. Due to my research from reading numerous blog posts from other women's stories of missed miscarriages and their processes...I allowed Dr. Million to explain the three options and then we discussed them and I decided that having a D&C was going to be the best option for me. The last week had been filled with anxiety of worrying about going to the bathroom and finding blood...or even worst knowing I could be walking down the hallway with my students and it just hit and then having to explain that to them and experiencing that trauma. I had previously discussed my mom and sister's experiences with them and after praying felt the peace that having this procedure done was the best option for me.

I am so blessed to have an amazing mother-in-law and father-in-law. I joke with PJ all the time that I really spent more time praying that my in-laws would be AWESOME then I did praying for a husband. And God granted me with some of the MOST AMAZING and LOVING in-laws. My family may be 8 hours away but God made sure I had another family here to support and love me. And not just PJ's family but the teachers I work with have also been so supportive and loving. Anyways, PJ had to work that Friday and could not take me, but God worked it out and MamaSusan could! I am so thankful she was with me...she listened and didn't try and fix anything, she was there just loving on me just like my mama would have been if she could!

After it was all done and I was in recovery...God brought me out of the anesthesia in the best way possible. I was dreaming about Jasper and all of sudden Jasper says, "MyJ Wake Up!" and boy did I. I popped right up and my eyes were as wide as could be...I think I gave the nurse quite a fright coming out of it that alert and quick. She just smiled and said "well hello are you okay..." I just smiled and said yep, my step-son was telling me to wake up and so I did. I have to remember that even though one child has gone on to heaven, God has given me such an opportunity to love and cherish this sweet step-son of mine. He has a mama who loves and cares for him and I am just so blessed that she allows me to also love and care for him. That we can share the joy in raising him and encouraging him and watching him grow. 

Anyways, I know the coming days will be hard at different times...it already has been...the emptiness I feel inside my womb, knowing she was there and now she is gone...its hard. But as that beautiful verse says it so clearly...

"The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness."

And that is what I will be holding on too...